To contradict what I said just over a month ago, things are good and I'm not complaining. Well I should correct myself, I'm not complaining about my own personal life, but the world around all of it is still a little crazy. Like that wild American election, I'll complain about that. Or the fact that it's snowing and my brown, toasty heart is cold. Also let's not forget that they killed Paris Geller on Scandal, of course I'll complain about that because Paris Geller was (and soon, will be) one of the most iconic supporting characters of the 2000s.
I used to complain a lot about everything. Not in a funny haha kind of way, but more of a 'let-me-whine-about-everything' kind of way (alternatively called: the pop-punk phase). I used to blog about my teen angst as well. Again, it wasn't really good. Or funny. But it would have made a great pop-punk anthem and damn right I was in a fictional pop-punk band (working names: Suicide Blonde or Clinging To a Scheme). This little WordPress blog was a home for all of my pubescent thoughts about whatever my mind drifted to. To be honest with you, I haven't really thought about the overly-emotional posts that I launched into the blogosphere in a few years. That blog was destined for internet purgatory, but was never purified for viral heaven.
Not too long ago, I was taken on a trip down memory lane known as Tourist Attraction, the teen-angst fueled blog that I kept during my first year of university. It was a public diary to gain insights into my jaded mind... or that's at least what I told people. Realistically, it was just a place to try and organize my thoughts that I didn't mind sharing with people around me.
Everything on the blog was categorized into two different sections: rambles, and self-discovery. That's deep, right? I'm pretty sure that's what I was going for. I wanted to come off as deep and mysterious (this is what Ethan Craft said would make the best suitor on Lizzie McGuire) while still being eloquent and well spoken.
Long story short, I tried really hard to sound like I was from a 50s French gangster film, but I came off as a kid who coughed everything he took a drag.
The blog is filled with pieces called Rambles I (there was no sequel) and home(s)? (capitalization wasn't cool) in which I discuss not being able to let go of a former girlfriend and the idea of having 'two homes'. It's really compelling stuff!
I published my last post on August 16th, 2013. I was finally legal in the wondrous province of Ontario, so there is a high chance I was under the influence while writing that last piece. Actually, on second thought I'm pretty sure I was because I decided that to title it I am an Astronaut. I am the furthest thing from a astronaut. To be honest, the one time I was even close to being an astronaut was when I was seven and I dressed up as Luke Skywalker. He's kind of an astronaut, right?
If you think I ramble now, you have no idea what I used to be like. I used to talk in circles about nothing. Looking back on my piece of my fantasy astronaut piece, I have no idea what I was trying to convey.
My favourite quote from that post is, and always will be "It’s kind of like when something is going wrong but you pretend like it is not. It’s kind of like when you know it shouldn’t be wrong, and you keep pretending that it’s fine." This is still funny to me because I still think this way. Well kind of. Now, the delivery is less pop-punk and more awkward-brown-guy-trying-to-get-a-laugh, but the sentiment is almost the same.
It's funny because the reason this blog came up was because Kylie (aka: that Girl) had gone through my high school yearbooks and became curious. I was one of those kids who hit their prime in high school, but never became a burn out. To bring it back to Lizzie McGuire, I was less of an Ethan Craft and more of a Gordo. I was involved and people knew who I was but I'm pretty sure no one had a shrine to celebrate my existence. After getting through all those yearbooks, it only made sense to show her how my 'where-everyone-knows-your-name' high school life transitioned into a late stage of teen angst.
Like I said earlier, this was the first time I revisited this blog. It has come up a few times in the past with friends who read the blog, but more as a passing memory that lead to an awkward chuckle as I tried to forget that this blog existed. At first, when Kylie scrolled through the posts (titles include: Scattered Lingering Thoughts and One Month Later) I was embarrassed. It's weird looking back on thoughts and idea I once had. I like to think that I've grown a lot as a person (for example, I've grown out of my pop-punk phase and have entered the jazz-rap phase of my musical life).
After reading a few more posts, she turns to me and says "You're the same."
I was in shock. I thought I had grown?! I thought I was a 'new person'?! I thought that giving up pop-punk was the key to growing up?! I was shocked and confused by this statement because I did not think I was that person anymore. I watched her face after these thoughts ran through my mind and I see a comforting smile.
When she looked at me, I knew that smile. It was one that was genuine and loving. When she uttered the words that gave me a minor anxiety attack, she meant it with no ill-intent. She meant my quirks are still the same. I still romanticize everything, I still ramble (but now with jokes!), and I still write about these thoughts in my head. These posts with the nefarious titles are only three years old. Sure, a lot has happened in three years, but I think what these posts show is growth.
I went from a kid who was writing about heartbreak in cryptic and listening to sad white guys telling about heartbreak to a kid who is more open about his personal experiences and spins some De La Soul as he cleans.
I can't complain about that.