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What That Kijiji Ad Is Really Telling You

Fun fact and shameless not a podcast plug: I'm graduating in a few days. Wild, right? Like you've read this far without a grammatical error, apparently that's all I needed to do to graduate. Wild, right? I'm ready to enter adulthood and complain about my bike and pick up yoga because I am losing my centre but I want to stay youthful but still want to wear cargo shorts and get a blizzard from DQ and hide a tallboy in my cargo pockets. 

It also means I've outgrown the six bedroom house and want to downsize a bit and hopefully get a backyard so I can grow my own peppers to make my eggs even better (I am your suburban dad goals).

The house hunt is on. This means countless hours of scrolling though Kijiji looking for the perfect home with the perfect landlord in the perfect neighbourhood. But scrolling through all of these posts seem to have unveiled the secret language of Kijiji landlords.

After scrolling through Ottawa Kijiji House Rentals for hours, here is what I decoded:

newly renovated: I put up a piece of cardboard to cover a hole

lovely neighbourhood: we've been crime free for 8 seconds

great for students!: the neighbours hate me please throw loud parties

charming: everyone who has lived here stayed here until they died but at least they had a good taste in wallpaper

spacious: you can only fit one arm in the kitchen but you do have a nice window in there

all inclusive: their hasn't been running water since the summer of 69

pets allowed: they will eat the rats that live in your room

close to everything you need!: you need to canoe across the canal to find the closest human

great location!: you are next door to shawarma AND bevertails aka the Ottawa dream